Thursday, December 18, 2003

today's wonderful idea that has already been done:

prepaid phonesex cards

believe it or not, I do not frequent adult boutiques that much. so perhaps I should have already known this. but in this festive time of the year its a perfect idea. we often give and receive gift certificates. parents give their children phone cards so that they will actually call home. all we really want is to get laid, or at least some dirty talk, and dammit why won't AT&T allow me to use my minutes for someone sultry to talk to? the pornography business makes a ton of money. its a great sorta gag / bachelor party / graduation / type gift.

although, its very much a gateway drug, too. the first hit is free, but then like lottery tickets- you get more. you want more phonesex! or maybe not. I am not suggesting I want this for christmas.

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

off with their heads!

ok everybody knows about those old souvenir pens from places where you turn the pen and something happens inside, either the woman's clothes come off, the cable car goes across san fran, plane crashes into the world trade center- whatever.

I am trying to find these things online but they do not have a name! one can't exactly type this into the search area in google: what do you call those pens with the water in them where you turn them and something happens inside?

well apparently, according to one friend, they are called "floaty pens". and I am sure if one guy own the patent on this, and I am sure he does cuz they all look the same, he has got to be a billionaire! they even have a disgusting website here. They even have floaty toothbrushes and screwdrivers! I just hope the models get paid per "unit" and not a flat fee...

I just had to know because for some reason this popped into my head as an idea for one. you take Henry VIII. you take his 6 wives. you get yourself a guillotine. you know what happens next... the before and after goes something like this...

yes, I have too much time on my hands it seems. do the heads need some blood though? hmmm.......

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

confucious say:

the other week I got a fortune cookie fortune that declared the following:

"You will always be successful in your professional career."

well hot damn!

this is getting glued straight away onto my resumé! how can *anyone* refuse to hire me with such a promise of greatness? it would go against the laws of nature!

Monday, December 15, 2003

the beeramid

don't you hate it when you think you have a great idea only to discover that its been covered before? well, it happens to me all the time. I am sure it happens to a lot of people all the time. after all, there are billions of people and every one of them thinks that they are smarter than they really are. and now I present you with today's installment of what was once thought of as a good idea: The Beeramid. not the execution of the building, cuz neanderthals have been stacking cans for as long as cans have existed, January 24th, 1935

some are more impressive than others

I knew when this popped into my head in the middle of tour earlier this year that surely it already existed and all I had to do was search for it and I was right. apparently, it is also a well-known card-based drinking game. hmph, shows what I know! nothing. well my idea was to have a tavern called the Beeramid, so maybe that concept is still safe? it would certainly be more impressive than these thugs and their swill. the ancient egyptians would never drink Milwaukee's Best or Old Style or the Silver Bullet or whatnot. the entire place would be decked out in the tomb motif, complete with sarcophagus beer coolers!

Friday, December 12, 2003

check it out

giant checks. we've all seen them on lottery programs, charity benefits and the price is right. who the hell makes these things and where do you get one? everyone has customized kittycat, planetary, monet, whatever checks in their checkbook- but how can I get my hands on the big'uns? it is no surprise the vast difference of search results you get from google between the searches for "giant check" and "giant czech"

on my search I discovered some interesting things, firstly from an article on CNN.

check this out hahaha

"...In fact, a check doesn't necessarily have to be written on paper. There are legends, probably apocryphal, of checks written on the backs of shirts (by tax protesters) and on watermelon rinds (by goodness knows whom -- maybe madcap farmers), even on skin. If they were written in the right format, they could be cashed... It has to contain certain features, and it can be written on anything," says Brian Black, managing director of operations and technology for the Bank Administration Institute. "As long as it has the elements, the surface doesn't make a difference. A check is an order to pay someone, that's all it is."

"So let's say some smartypants decides to protest his tax bill by writing a check on "the shirt off his back" and mailing it to the IRS. As long as it has the account owner's name, the date, the words "Pay to the order of" followed by the payee's name, the dollar amount in numerical and in written form, the name of the bank where the account is held (along with the bank's city and state) and the signature of the account owner, it's valid."

"Just because something is possible doesn't mean it's advisable. Only a moron would antagonize the IRS by writing a check on the back of a shirt: might as well request an annual audit for life. Still, the question makes the IRS nervous. When I asked an IRS spokesman whether anyone had ever sent a check written on the back of a shirt, he said he would find out. Then he called back immediately and asked if that was all this story would be about."


I also found this website, a giant check manufacturer where you can buy a giant check for as low as $33! the sad thing is, they do not accept checks for payment! hardy har har.